Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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