the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
