My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
