im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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