Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
