if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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