I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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