I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
