I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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