when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
