So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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