I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
