Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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