I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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