If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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