Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
