Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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