Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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