She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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