Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
