I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
