I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
