she woke up with a sticky ear
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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