I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
