He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
