Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
