T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
