If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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