Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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