I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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