last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
