I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
is that a dick in a sweater?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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