u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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