remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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