apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
