My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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