I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
no, he came in my armpit
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
