There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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