And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
