I think I am morally bankrupt
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
