I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
