Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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