shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
