how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
