Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
honey bunches of taint.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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