Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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