just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
