i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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