It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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