we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
