My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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