I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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